Three Months Before Surf Camp
Big plans to swim every morning, lift weights, and generally increase my fitness for surf camp with Endless Summer Surf Camp at San Onofre State Beach, which is a famous Southern California surfing area with great beginner-friendly breaks. The day camp goes from 8 am to 3 pm, with a two-hour surf session in the morning, a two-hour lunch break, and then a two-hour surf sesh in the afternoon. The likelihood that this body is going to surf four hours every day for five days? Near zero. Only strong FOMO will keep me paddling out. Need to increase fitness.
Two Weeks Until Surf Camp
Predictably, the big plans from three months ago did not happen. Really regretting it. I've heard that where we will be going in, San O Trails, there is a 15-minute paddle out to get to our waves. Fifteen minutes in a very peaceful swimming pool is currently the entirety of my workout. Not optimistic.
Packing for surf camp includes: two wetsuits, every bathing suit I own, 6 beach towels, 14 gallons of suntan lotion, a floppy hat with chin strap, cheap ass prescription sunglasses attached to a Chums, 4 books I will not read, my journal in which I will not write, a case of Ensure High Protein drinks, and a metric ton of Tylenol. I have booked a hotel with a jetted tub to soothe aching muscles. My Nespresso machine and little espresso thermos is coming with me, because the only way we're getting through this is hopped up on ample amounts of caffeine. The dog is cared for by our dear and loving friend, so I can sleep through the night and not worry about anything but resting this body -- come home from camp, shovel food in my face, collapse, and not get up until we do it again the next day. I've staked out a sushi restaurant. I'm praying for quiet neighbors so restorative sleep is uninterrupted.
I'm tickled absolutely neon pink that I'm going to surf camp AGAIN as a 56 year old woman. Cannot wait! Have super high hopes for the steady, low rolling waves of San O to improve my newly found success standing up!
Nerves about new seas and new canyon dwellers swimming around in the back of my mind. I'm always braver with my girls -- four of us are going together -- and we will have the adult supervision of the surf instructors from the camp. I am moderately reassured.
One Week Before Surf Camp
Rocks. San O has a rocky bottom. Or at least we have to walk across rocks to get out into the water. Not sure -- I'm getting conflicting reports. One of the reasons we love Blackies so much is that it has a sandy bottom, so it's very forgiving when we fall. I am told that San O is deep enough where we won't hit bottom when we fall, but I will keep you closely posted. Injury, stupid injury, is now number 1 on the concerns list. The only prayer: may no ambulances be called on my behalf.
Another great session with BTG. We worked again on the rock in my chest. It is smaller and more focused in one area after practicing the meditations this week. I'm working on riding emotional waves just like I'm trying to ride ocean waves. Just like ocean waves, emotions ebb and flow, increase then decrease in intensity; build to a peak, then fall crashing into foam. He told me about a universal truth: that if we can ride out the intensity of an emotion and get to the other side of it, then something in our bodies lets go of the fear around it. The body and mind understand that the emotion is workable, a "been there done that" kind of thing. The problem with emotions is that we think we can't handle them, so we don't make it past the peak. BTG sent me a couple of guided meditations to work with while I'm at camp. I'll be working on getting past the peak emotionally, letting my body know that it doesn't have to react anymore to traumas that no longer exist.
Two Days to Go Time
Many stories of sea critters filtering into the group chat and my awareness generally from the news and Insta. There was the seal who accompanied us at River Jetties. Kathy was surprised by a sea lion swimming at Newport the other day. He was so close, she exclaimed, "Oh my God!" and they made eye contact. I then saw a report of a San Clemente beach being closed due to an "aggressive shark" encounter with a surfer. It's not the beach we will be at, but it's in the same town. "A sighting of a shark 10 feet or greater calls for a closure, usually for several hours, while any kind of aggressive behavior automatically prompts a 24-hour shutdown, pending no additional shark sightings." Literally, the first time in a year of surfing that I've heard of any shark interactions with humans in this area and I'm about to get into the water near that area -- seriously?! And the surfer was fine -- just got bumped, not exactly attacked. I mean, the shark could have had bad eyesight and just bumped into the board, right?
RIGHT?!
But the coolest thing happened yesterday as doggo and I were walking at Crystal Cove State Park: my first whale sighting!! Oh my goodness! I wept. This little guy just kept breaching all the way up the coast toward Newport. I saw him breach about a dozen times. It was magical. I'm considering that a good omen.
Morning Of...
Up at 4:17 am. No alarm. Little nervous ya think?
Packing for a local vacation is crazy. I just keep throwing things into the car. Four fleeces. Blankets. All the towels. Let’s just take all of the towels. Four books? Nah. Half the library. Fully half the library is in the passenger seat.
Do I eat or not eat? I have hours until I have to leave, so I ate. Really should have thought about how to eat for this adventure....
Arriving on the Beach
We arrive at San Onofre Bluffs Campground, Beach Trail 4, for our orientation. The person who runs the camp, Jason, gave us a warm and wonderfully chill orientation. His advice: pace ourselves. Lots of people only go out for part of the day. What excellent advice. When we walk down the cliff trail to the beach, I am excited and relieved: TOTALLY doable! Waves 2-3 feet high, some bigger, but it doesn't look bad.
Our group of four gets to stay together with two instructors; can't beat that ratio. Paige and Ethan are lovely: kind, friendly, really professional and knowledgeable. I feel like I'm in good hands. Paige is from New Zealand, so we get wonderful new words, like "wetties" for wetsuits and "leggies" for leashes. When we are ready to go and get our boards, she says, "OK girls, lets get your weapons and head out," in a way that is part drill sergeant who will take no guff and part elementary school teacher with a soft touch. We love her immediately. Ethan is a joyful and strapping young man who I feel confident will save us from drowning, a possibility that becomes more real the first time we try to get outside those 2-3 footers.
BOY. Them waves were packing a punch. Really fast and powerful if not that tall. The instructors actually push us out past the breaking waves, instead of just pushing into waves to catch them. The harder part is getting out past the impact zone. This is going to be a challenging week! But, day 1 is a success! Everyone catches waves; I'm the only one who doesn't stand up. It's moving REALLY fast out there. More power than I've ever felt before. It's going to take my brain time to adjust. Looks like getting past the peak is the theme of the week.
Day 2
Wave height increasing. Even harder to get outside. There are many strategies for getting past the peak, the breaking waves, the impact zone. I am a plank and turtle roll expert by the end of the day, if an exhausted one. But I am entirely calm in these chaotic waters. I am the least capable physically of our group -- I just don't have the physical strength or endurance yet to really cope effectively with these waves. But I might be the most capable mentally. I am calm, in the moment, and joyful. My favorite thing has become diving under waves to get past them when I'm in the impact zone and stuck, about to be clobbered by a big ass wave. (I have the worst timing in surfing history.) Not the greatest strategy, because I ditch my board, which could clock someone behind me, so I try to do it only when no one else is around.
Under water, under a wave, there is this line: above the line, the wave action will take you into the spin cycle, but below the line, the water is largely undisturbed. I got to know this line really well on day 2, because the waves were more powerful than I've ever experienced. I got to feel how it felt to get caught in the churn, swept back toward shore, and how it felt to get just a little lower below that point to where it is calm. It is really comforting to know that if I can just get a little deeper, all will be well. Things are calmer the deeper you go. Yes, I am still leashed to my board, which will pull me a bit. But I am a strong swimmer and can compensate for that little tug. I'm a better swimmer than a paddler, because I can use my legs when swimming. It was a very challenging day, but I felt stronger for handling it and remaining calm.
I feel certain the idea of getting deeper to the calm place has helped with the emotional waves that I've been processing each night this week. I'm continuing to practice the guided meditations. If I am capable mentally but not physically during the day, the opposite is true at night. My body has endured all kinds of shit very competently. I'm now working on my mind to release that shit stored in my body after years of abuse. The surf instructors are my support during the day, and BTG's voice is my support in the evenings. Sitting in the jetted tub in my hotel each night getting pummeled into a rag doll helps a lot with my muscles and my mind. Trauma has made me tense in places. The rock in my chest is still there. These places in my body have been on alert for years, my cells hanging on to trauma with defenses at the ready, so I am giving myself permission to relax. The first step in this process is to pair a tense part of body with the out breath, allowing it to relax. I remind myself that I'm in a better place now -- a place surrounded by support and safety. I send myself compassion, apologies for my role in not keeping myself safe, and forgiveness.
This whole week has been about the body and feeling. During the day, feeling the water, the waves, the power, the joy. Calm amid the chaos. In the evenings, feeling the pain, then compassion, then forgiveness, then soothing support and safety. Even though the world hasn't changed, I have. I'm working on allowing myself to feel the new conditions and release my old habitual reactions, going deep. It's been a challenging week all around.
San Onofre is likely named for Saint Onuphrius, the saint of lost things. The Spanish settlers landed at this location on his feast day, so that may be how this place got its name. He was one of the Desert Fathers who lived alone in the barren desert of Egypt for many years; his food delivered by an angel on the daily. (A good time to mention the angels who sent us our lunches every day at Beach Trail 4!) Sicilians pray to him when they lose things in order to find them. I have sent up a different prayer every day this week to Saint O: may I lose things. May I lose things to Saint O to keep for me, like fear and pain and trauma. I don't need them back. Getting past the peak, may I find freedom and glee and friendship.
Day 3
Massive waves. Four to five feet with an occasional six. It was ROUGH getting outside. Paige and Ethan worked HARD to get us out. I honestly don't know how they did it. I can't even paddle me out, how on earth did they get themselves AND us out?! Riding waves in to shore felt like going 60 miles an hour in a 25 mile an hour zone! Way too fast! Giggling fun and holy shit! I hung on for one or two, but no way I could get my feet up to stand. Another incredibly challenging day and we did it! Again, everyone else stood up in this surf! I'm so impressed with their skill and courage. They voiced their fears and went out and shredded the waves anyway. So proud to be among my surf sisters!
Once we got outside, we were rewarded with a dolphin pod swimming around and playing in the waves too! It was amazing. A real awe-inspiring moment that I'll write more about later. Suffice it to say that I had something in common with a dolphin today: we both seemed to love playing in the waves. Unforgettable day.
I bailed on my mates in the afternoon. Wednesday is the halfway point and my arms were completely spent. I had a side quest to a used bookstore, Beach Town Books, that I wanted to complete, so I ran into town early while the other girls surfed the whitewater in the afternoon. Found this great mural in San Clemente, a town with more surf shops per square mile than anywhere else in the world, I reckon. Fighting this dude is exactly what the morning felt like!
Day 4
We all have SoCal surfer tan lines now. In a full length wetsuit all day leaves your feet, hands, and everything from the neck up nice and tan while everything else on my body remains pasty white. The opposite of golfers. LOL.
More gigantic surf in the morning, biggest day yet, but I'm much better at getting outside. My skills improved, but my strength and endurance were drained. Sucked up some water in a breath at one point and thank goodness Ethan was right there to help my choking self caught in a set of big ones in the impact zone. It was a moment! In the afternoon, things calmed down and we surfed in the whitewater. I nearly got up on my feet!
The beach is covered with rocks, and there are a few under water near the shore, but it is mostly beach break and sandy bottom. Gets deep fast in places. Never knew if my feet could touch bottom -- most of the time they couldn't, but every once in a while, I'd be really struggling to paddle out and then realize there was sand below me. I could have walked! I've got a pretty good rock collection to help me remember this week. And two cool shells that remind me of the eyes of the Buddha, the eyes of compassion, or according to Everything, Everywhere, All at Once, the Buddhist googly eyes - the ensō -- the symbol of enlightenment. Rocks outside instead of inside my chest. Every night, I've worked on the meditations, releasing more and more. I feel lighter in many ways. But that will be it's own blog post.
The June gloom has made this week cold and really otherworldly. Water temps have been around 63/64 F and the air temperature has never gotten above 65 F. Sun did come out Monday afternoon, but since then, only glimmers of brightness under the fog and low clouds. When I looked toward shore, the mist dropped below the mountain peaks. Felt like another planet. We sit and shiver during the lunch break, hoping for the sun to come out, grateful to get back in the water to get warm again.
While surfing the whitewater this afternoon, a seal or sea lion swam right past us! (I can't tell the difference in the water.) More wildlife! Surfers are actually bit more often by seals than sharks, so we avoided Mr. Seal very quickly. The group chat also shared that there had been a shark attack in Del Mar earlier that week. An actual attack 40 miles away from us. You can drive that in 40 minutes, not sure how long it would take for a shark to swim. But we had the dolphins with us the entire time, so I felt very protected. A huge pod -- we even saw two babies! So small! Such little fins! The dolphins stopped at one point very near me and raised their heads above water, seemingly to check us out. It was pretty cool to make eye contact with a dolphin!
Tomorrow is the last day and I have the end of camp blues. I have loved every minute of this challenging week. It has been fun, awe-inspiring, wild, and wonderful. There's a great picture of Maria and Kathy on a party wave together! Big bravery, lots of new skills and knowledge. It's been really wonderful. I will miss the lovely new people we've met, and I will really miss hanging out with the girls every day. I am bruised from head to toe, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
Last Day
Calm waves finally arrive and I am spent. Nearly got up on my feet in the whitewater. Good fun in the morning, and then I was done. I am so proud of myself for making it this far. A year ago, we did the surf camp at Endless Sun in Newport and I barely made it through 5 days of 2-hour sessions. This camp was twice that, and though I didn't go out every session, I feel pretty good. Muscles are sore, but functioning. No actual pain, just aches. I feel so much stronger. Give me another year and I'll be shredding it like my surf sisters did. They were amazing! And Toni and Haley joined us this morning for a little reunion! They, of course, rocked it, too. I feel so lucky to be with these women. They joyfully push me beyond what I could do alone and it is wonderful to feel so supported on this journey. We are all now promising to go out more, to work on holding our breath longer, to gain strength: we are hooked. Obsessed. And I love it. Thank you, Endless Summer Surf Camp! We will definitely be back.
Comments