Beauty is the Beast

A voluptuous goddess is perhaps not well suited for surfing.

Wahine Kai Surf Club new member meet and greet at Bolsa Chica State Beach

On that gloomy day last week when I went surfing alone for the first time, a person on stand up paddle board passed by me. It was striking to see this bright blue paddle board and colorful wetsuit float on the invisible border between the sea and sky. Everything was an even steel gray, so the blue really popped. Thoughts intruded from my inner critic, "Now that's what you should be doing. A paddle board would be easier for you right now. Much more appropriate for someone your age. You're too heavy for surfing."

I spoke very clearly to my inner critic, "Fuck off. We're surfing."

I got to surf class that first day and I did feel like the biggest woman there. All shapes and sizes can surf, but I was concerned about it. It isn't my weight that's an issue -- it's my lack of fitness. I have no muscles after a couple of years of sedentary pandemic doom scrolling. I have no measurable core strength. I am fifty pounds over a healthy weight for my body. The first thing you learn at surf class is popping up. There will be no popping here for a good while, except of course in unhappy joints. I actually tripped and fell over ON THE BEACH the first time I tried to pop up.

So. We begin this adventure at a disadvantage. There is a weight limit for surfing. But it's probably not what you think. There are so many ways I can talk my vulnerable self out of this, I have to be mindful of the thoughts that run through my brain unconsciously. This is another way I am showing up differently in my life through practicing mindfulness: I am aware of my thoughts and I can work with them in a way that leads to a healthier and happier life.

Meditation helps me cultivate mindfulness. In sitting meditation or insight meditation, I work on observing my thoughts and not getting involved with them. There is an endless parade of thoughts, stories, emotions, judgements, and criticisms running through my head. I can watch them, allow them, acknowledge them, and let them pass. I can argue with them, reality check them, and actively create new thoughts that make me feel better. Most of what I tell myself is a fiction anyway - I make up stories all of the time that don't serve me. Now, I make up better stories -- more empowering stories.

For example, I want to lose weight to get healthier. I want more energy. I want to enjoy this California coast for decades. I am actively working on my health and surfing is part of the series of things that I am doing toward that goal. I am watching my food intake by logging it in my FitBit, and eating really well 80% of the time -- which is a vast improvement for this Midwesterner raised on the four food groups of Hershey's, Hostess, Pepsi, and Campbell's Soup Casseroles. I'm in a Diabetes Prevention Program offered by UCI. I meditate regularly. I walk all of the time, and I get far more than the recommended 150 minutes of exercise in each week. The pool and weight room are nearby at the Anteater Rec Center. I have a little exercise app that helps me stretch and build strength. I have great doctors that are helping me sort out the effects of aging thanks to the wonders of modern chemistry. I'm on it, folks.

I'm on it, because I want to be. I am highly motivated since I changed my goal for getting fit. When I thought I had to exercise to look good or be attractive, it was a way to denigrate myself rather motivate myself. I am gorgeous and fabulous no matter how much I weigh. I'm doing this for my health, which is a much heathier and happier motivation than doing it to look good. I want to be healthy and strong. I'm already a voluptuous goddess.

What's ironic is that I feel more confident in myself and connected with my body now than ever before. I think I'm beautiful in ways I never experienced when I was actually younger and athletic. But society is not going to give me that. Our society favors the young, thin, and beautiful, and that idea has wormed itself so deeply into my psyche it's hard to root out. Surfing has brought it back up. If I continue to look within, I am entirely comfortable with how I look, if not how I feel. But when I look through the eyes of others, my own social conditioning, like when I catch an unexpected glance at my reflection in a window or see a picture, or realize wetsuits only go to size 14 (which is really more like a dress size 10), I am undermined.

I saw an old clip of an interview with Dustin Hoffman on Instagram the other day. He was reflecting on playing a woman in Tootsie. He thought he should be a more beautiful woman after he got into all of the makeup. Embodying that character, he seemed to realize how many less-than-Hollywood-beautiful women he had blown off along the way (my words), and how many men would not give Tootsie the time of day because of how she looked. He wept. He said, "I think I’m an interesting woman, when I look at myself on screen. I know if I met myself at a party I would never talk to that character because she doesn’t fulfill, physically, the demands we’re brought up to think women have to have in order for us to ask them out."

Part of me is saying, "Yeah, Dustin! Welcome to our reality. Glad you realize you've been brainwashed." The other part of me is saying, "No shit, Dustin. Really? You never heard the saying 'Don't judge a book by its cover?'" Reality is that these expectations work against the happiness of all genders, all humans. We all need some mindfulness around this issue.

This is what squeezing into a wetsuit has brought up for me recently. And this is what buying an 8' foot board that was too small has made me face of late. These thoughts are ever present in the background. Not enough. Not pretty enough or thin enough or fit enough. Not enough. The fear of aging, of being an old lady, of this body never again being strong, is real. Those stories are powerful and reinforced whenever I want to watch a movie or TV show or the news or a sporting event or read the paper....the stories, the fears, are powerful and real, but they don't have to be true. They are stories, I can edit them.

Despite years of working with my inner critic, she's still there. She still chimes in at these times when I'm in a transition, when I put myself out there to try something new and make new friends. (I'm thinking of naming her Midge, like the little irritating insect.) Transitions suck, and I'm in one big life transition. New state, new job, new friends and coworkers, just me and my doggo, new hobby... I know I feel more vulnerable in these times of transition. I know this. So, awareness and naming my feelings bring some relief.

I also do a lot of reframing. I'm not too big to surf. I need the correct size board. All beginners start with bigger boards. The only weight limit for surfing is understanding that surfboards have recommended weight limits. An 8' board, according to the description of the board I bought, "supports riders up to 200 pounds." So be aware of that. The 9' board I bought supports riders up to 260 pounds. A longer, wider, and thicker board means greater buoyancy. Barefoot Surf has a great article on surfboard volume. So, for us Renaissance babes, we need a board befitting our abundant stature.

After years of practice, I'm getting better at reality checking. Look below at the picture of the first surf class. In my head, Midge told me that I was the biggest woman there. Looking at the picture, there are women of all sizes and shapes. I don't think I stick out. I'm 5th surfboard from the left, the green one, in the all black wetsuit. So take that, Midge.

As an older female beginner, these are some of the thoughts that have intruded on my otherwise lovely experience learning to surf. I have several strategies at the ready when that inner critic speaks up. All of these strategies have been supported by a meditation practice that cultivates an awareness of my mind.

Strategies:

• I'm aware of and name my feelings. Naming feelings is a great strategy that helps regulate emotions.

• Reframe negative thoughts after doing some...

• Reality checking.

I also have realistic goals and expectations. There will be no hanging ten for this girl anytime soon. I will not be getting barreled in this decade. I'm working on balance and protecting my head when I fall. I'm finding the sweet spot on my board. I'm paddling. I'm working on finding good waves to catch. I'm using a growth mindset to make progress one small goal at a time. I hope to stand up at least once by the end of summer. New goals will emerge when these are achieved. There's no rush.

So, surf's up, Midgie! You can catch us both at Blackies on Sunday morning. Saltwater Bellinis anyone?

Endless Sun Surf School: https://www.endlesssunsurf.com/.

Wahine Kai Surf Club for women: https://www.wahinekai.org/.