When I was a kid in the midwest, we went to the local public, park district swimming pool. There was a kiddie pool for the little kids and babies, and then there was "the big pool" for the older kids and adults. It was a coming of age moment when I was finally allowed in The Big Pool. The last two times I've been out surfing have been Big Pool days at Blackies. And I am still a kiddie pool surfer.
Two words that I learned during surf camp were inside and outside. Inside means you are on the beach side of the breaking waves, and outside means you are beyond the breaking surf. Getting caught inside means that you are trying to get beyond the waves breaking in front of you, the impact zone, but are having lots of trouble because the waves keep knocking you down! Today and last Sunday, I kept getting caught inside, really having to fight to get beyond the break. I seem to have a knack for going for the first wave in a set, so I have to fight the remaining waves in order to get back out there. It's so exhausting! Today, I honestly gave up on it. The effort just costs me too much, and there were other considerations at play.
At this point, it's simply accurate to call myself a kiddie pool surfer. It's not derogatory; it's a fact. I've only put in about 35-40 hours on the water. A bunch of us just signed up for more lessons with our favorite instructors at Endless Sun Surf School. There are sensible things to keep in mind when I'm out there as a beginner. But I do have to be really careful at times like this to make sure that I'm not buying into negative self-talk. There is a fine line between honestly acknowledging very reasonable limits as a beginner and getting caught inside the waves of insecurities and fears that constantly flow in the background of my mind. Anxiety is real out there. Fear comes out to play sometimes. Discerning when those thoughts and emotions are just that -- thoughts and emotions that I can let float on by -- and when they are issuing a sensible warning is another aspect of learning to surf that I'm beginning to negotiate.
Today, waves were big and there were multiple, parallel breaks. The waves crashing on the shore were LOUD. It was low tide, which I have come to believe is not as good as high tide for beginners. Waves do weird things on low tide days and there's just not enough room between the break and the beach to do much when you are surfing straight in, straight ahead, perpendicular to shore as beginners do. Initially, the conditions looked like fun -- I haven't been really afraid getting in the water on days like this. It's not fear, precisely, but an anticipatory exhaustion and disappointment. I know getting outside on days like this is going to cost me a lot of energy. I'm going to take gulps of saltwater before I even begin. So, I have to steel myself on these days. Muster my resolve. The Big Pool is more fun, but it's also more challenging in every way.
And the water is lovely now -- so warm! It's beautiful! So I did it, finally got outside, beyond the ranks and ranks of waves coming at me like soldiers defending the high ground, and happily bobbed like a cork for a bit in the line up. (I love that part.) It was crowded again. And we were among more experienced surfers, so people would catch waves and ride parallel to the beach, sideways, not straight ahead. (That's the next step I can look forward to taking after I stand up: going left or right on a wave.) So people are crisscrossing in front of us, riding waves on multiple breaks. Once, I saw 4 surfers going at the same time: two people on two different waves, going in different directions, two rights, two lefts. It was amazing! And. It was a long wait before the area in front of me cleared out enough for me to even think about catching a wave of my own and riding it straight in.
The waves were really big for me too. I haven't quite figured out the sweet spot of this board yet, so I've been either too far forward (face plant) or too far back (sink into the wave like sitting on a big, overstuffed couch, it swallows you up or flows right under you). It didn't feel like a good day to practice with all of the Big Pool energy going on. Big Waves. Layers of waves. Low tide. I'm not sure if it was a very reasonable fear that set in, or a very reasonable assessment of the conditions, but the thought entered my head, "It's a day for the real surfers to play, not me." The big kids. A day for the more experienced to have their time in The Big Pool, and I didn't want to get in their way.
I still wasn't sure if this was negative self-talk defeating me or a good warning. I believe fully in listening to one's emotions. Emotions are like an alarm system in your body -- they give you information about good and bad, things to go toward and things to move away from. Emotions are information. Sensory information is taken in from the environment and processed through our brains yielding emotions. We feel first, then we think. I didn't feel afraid today. The thought was matter of fact, not really laden with judgement. So I filed it away and kept going.
Eventually, the area in front of me cleared and I went for one. I sorta caught that wave, but not really. I slipped off and then was further in, where the waves were breaking closer to the beach. I stayed there and tried to catch another. I kept looking both ways to see if anyone else was already on -- etiquette massively important -- so I'm not dropping in on someone else's ride. That's when injuries happen anyway, so just a good idea to not be a dick and cut someone off. It's self-preservation. And I went for one. Missed. It flowed under me and I tried again on the very next wave in the set, seconds later. I totally fell off, but it wasn't a face plant, so...progress!
However, when I got knocked off, my board went flying! The Nimitz was airborne, people. When it settled, it rode the wave alllllll the way back into shore. UGH. I was swimming all the way back in. During this moment, there was still the better, larger part of me that said, "I'm swimming in the ocean!!" Totally happy and alive! And. The board is a long ways away and I'm responsible for that sucker.
At camp, we didn't use leashes, so I didn't get one for the Admiral. Today, I should have had one. That's what ultimately made me decide to get out of the water and call it a day. It just wasn't safe for me to not have a leash. A flying board puts others at risk. I wavered, though. I had about an hour left on the parking meter, and the water was beautiful. I was medium-ready to get outside again -- it would have been the last time I would do it that day, but I felt I had one more in me. As I stood in the shallows, waiting for a break in sets so I'd have a reasonable chance to get out, I watched the big kids surfing rights and lefts all over the place. It was so fun! Just as many women as men were shredding it. They were all having lovely rides. It was neat!
So that was the end of my decision: I didn't want to get in their way. In addition to fighting the heavy surf, I wasn't sure I could cut a path between the oncoming surfers to get back out. I simultaneously didn't want to get clobbered or ruin someone's lovely ride, so I just watched for awhile longer. Watched where people were positioned when they caught the waves. Watched how they paddled and for how long before they popped up. Watched how they popped up, how they turned. I watched one girl we know catch wave after wave, rights and lefts, walking on the board like I hope to do someday, nearly hanging ten, and then she would go right back out. I watched how she navigated the waves to get outside. She didn't seem to struggle as much as I had struggled, so next time I'll take the lessons I learned from watching her and put them to work. I usually try to go above the waves coming in, but she was going through them. Duck dive.
And I'm getting a leash. I'm sure I have a night ahead of me googling leashes and figuring out why some people fasten their leash around their ankle and others do it closer to the knee. I love these details. I will spend literally hours online searching for a satisfying answer to this question.
I think I made a reasonable decision today. I don't think I let fear or negative self-talk drive me out of the water. I paid close attention to my thoughts, as meditation class has taught me to do. I wasn't saying things like, "You don't belong here." Or, "Someone like you shouldn't be here." I was saying, "The conditions are a bit beyond me today. Even if I could handle it, it probably isn't a good day to actually practice." I always enjoy sitting out on my board, taking in the scenery, watching little fish jump and the clouds change. Today, I could have done that. But it was a great lesson to watch the action from the shore, too. I learned a lot.
This process of discernment is a great mindfulness practice and a great surfing practice. I think I've said before that there are about a thousand ways I can talk myself out of this. Getting caught inside my insecurities and anxieties poses a real threat to pursuing this surfing adventure. Some days, it's a fight to get outside my own head. Meditation allows me to notice the wavy sets of thoughts perpetually beating the shoreline of my awareness. I'm getting better at discernment -- on land and in the sea. I think I navigated these treacherous mental waters well today, but there will be more rough days ahead. Little by little, day by day, wave by wave, I'll keep paddling.
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