Surf Camp: The High Was Worth the Pain

In one part of the classic set of interviews with Bill Moyers, Joseph Campbell discussed the meaning of life. He said, “People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.” Taylor Swift sang, "You can tell me when it's over, hmmm, if the high was worth the pain."

The answer is yes. I felt the pain and the rapture. With a number of other women, ages 17 - 63, I attended surf camp with Endless Sun Surf School in Newport Beach. Many thanks to the surf school for providing a space for adults -- for women -- to learn alongside the groms for a blissful week in July. Can you still be a grom at 55? I don't know, but I do know that for about a second, I stood up on a surfboard. So stoked!

Day 1:

It occurred to me that my body was totally not ready for this, even though the mind and spirit were more than willing. Got in the water with two dolphins swimming nearby. We women cheered each other on just like we did in May at our original meeting and have continued to do for several Sundays since. Personally, I caught maybe 3 or 4 waves and rode them all the way in on my knees or my belly. Also practiced plenty of face-plants! Got eaten alive by the small surf several times and went home with about a cup of sand in my pants. Hmmm.

I had a wonderful, long conversation with 75 year old surfer dude while bobbing atop the waves — some impromptu mentorship. I saw him and another man hanging out nearby where we were stationed, and after his friend left, he struck up a conversation with me. He's been surfing this break for longer than I have been alive. What a wonderful way to live a life. Also had a lovely conversation with my 19 year old surf instructor while waiting to be pushed into the good waves. He grew up in INDIANA, which gave this midwesterner some hope!

Day 2:

Gorgeous, perfect day. Small waves, smooth waters, lovely and supportive women. Sun came out after about an hour. I do love starting out in the fog, though. It's incredibly peaceful. I watched some 10 year olds taking lessons next to us. Absolutely shredded everything they caught! Oh, to be 10 years old again, and (physically and mentally) weigh about 60 pounds!

I switched away from my 9' board, Betty, and rode one of the camp’s boards, at least 10' long, much wider and thicker — big enough to hold my living room couch — and it worked! Caught so many waves! Rode so many in — up on my knees, no hands!! I thought, "I might just get up on my feet this week?!"

Day 3

STOOD UP ON THE BOARD!! (For 0.3 seconds) The rapture of being alive...

I stood up on a surfboard. I giggled and screamed like a small child. What an amazing feeling!

And though I only got up the once, my default pop-up position switched to going to my feet instead of my knees. I wondered if going several days in a row would help develop my skills. Up to this point, it definitely did; however, conditions were so different every day, it's hard to say that I got consistent practice. Wouldn't it be nice if the ocean would just give us the same waves over and over again when we're learning?

And by Amphitrite, I swear my body was being pushed to its limit at this point. Bruises everywhere. Knees, elbows, inner thighs…everything hurt. One wrist and my fingers hurt — hmmm. I felt it a lot in my lower back … how can you feel so old and so young at the same time?

Needed more than Taylor's Version of Speak Now and espresso to get going in the morning. Made every old person noise, sigh, and grunt getting out of bed. I bet I’d have to go back to high school to remember the last time I had this much exercise three days in a row! Then pictured my feet hitting the sand, and I remembered how much I fucking love this.

After the session, I went a couple of miles down the beach to Balboa Pier. Beautiful! I met a lady who said she could teach me how to manifest miracles. I think I’m doing alright on that already!

Day 4

Whole body hurt. Exhausted. Drank a LOT of saltwater. Napped a long time when I got home.

Day 5

Bounced back for the last day. How amazing -- I took a week off of work to go to surf camp. These amazing women -- such fun. So kind and supportive! So powerful and strong! I am amazed by all of them. I was not the oldest one there. Susan kicked all of our asses and she's older than me! Such elegance on the waves. Stevie just had a baby, and she did the camp for her son -- so he could see his mom doing empowering things. Sherri is a cancer survivor and she is the reason we are all here -- it was her suggestion to the surf school that allowed us to do this. THE best part of this week was making new friends. I have a community of supportive, surfing goddesses. I am humbled and joyful to be included.

Chet, a new instructor for us that last day, tried to so hard to help me get up on the board. I can't remember the last time another human was so invested in my progress. I got caught up in the achievement-focus, but I just didn't achieve. Even though I totally understood his directions, and my brain was yelling at me to do it, I just couldn't let go and stand up. It felt so restrained -- so on the cusp of something, yet not quite there. Couldn't break out and just do it. [Roy Kent grunt.]

I was so nearly there! Paddling in after another crash, exhausted, I bumped into Susan who said to me, "The guy told me to just let go. You gotta just let go. And if you're not letting go here, where else in your life are you not letting go?" * LIGHTNING BOLT * (This is one of the many reasons I love these women.) Of course, this week in meditation class, we're learning about working with pain, with suffering, and again, working with our thoughts. Thoughts that often do not serve us. What am I not letting go?

I did a session with my RAIN partner on Friday afternoon immediately after my perceived failure. I really did feel bad about not getting up on my surfboard -- felt old, felt like I let down my body and my body let me down. I felt like I let down the surf instructor who worked so hard to get me on my feet. So, lots of physical pain, mental suffering, and crappy thoughts were spinning in the background. Definitely caught up in striving mode.

The issue I processed through RAIN mirrored my surfing experience -- old stuff rising up again. Campbell in his wisdom: "... our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality...." Focusing on the feelings, I felt restrained in my upper body, like I was putting on a t-shirt that was two sizes too small, or trying to escape a wet wetsuit after a session. Feeling tight and constricted, I am struggling to bust out. I really want to, the heart is there -- but I don't yet have the strength to get out of it. I did the RAIN process to help let it go -- Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture -- and found it soothing. However, I suspect I will repeat this process many times in the weeks to come, letting go a little more each time, until I can eventually stand up, free of the restraints. Perhaps a supportive group of powerful goddesses will help me get there.

I really wanted to stand up on Friday, but my legs just wouldn't cooperate. I will keep trying to let go of the things that hold me back on the physical and psychological planes. But, briefly, there was disappointment in myself.

I quickly recovered.

Turning my thoughts around, I focused on the successes of the week.

• No ambulances were called on my behalf. Only minor injuries -- mostly from the beach, not from the water!

• I rode waves all the way to shore too many times to count! On my knees, no hands!

• I showed up every day. I didn't bail, even though I was hurting physically.

• I made "surfer moves." I did things surfers do, like hang out peacefully on my surfboard and chat with others in the line up. I did a duck dive (as much as possible with a foamie). I rode over a wave I wasn't catching but was threatening to drown me, pitching up on the board in a yoga-like Cobra position to get over the lip. I ran into the waves from the beach and jumped on the board to paddle in. I was a fucking surfer, dude.

• I made beautiful friends. I found a community in the surf. Our group of 4 has blossomed to 12, and the group chat explodes regularly with the glee of a bunch of teenagers.

The rapture of being alive. Surfing ultimately serves no purpose for me other than joy. I got to play all week in a way I haven't played in decades. Just...play. Noticing each moment as it happened. Savoring it all. It was beautiful. The high was definitely worth it.