Aloha

The water was so blue -- several blues that I don't have names for exactly, but might be in the range of teal, azure, turquoise, sapphire, and amethyst in the deep distance. Sunshine sparkling off the water; clouds in the distance by the mountains. We surfed at a break called Pops, which was at least a 25-minute paddle out. It felt like we were miles out to sea. I didn't surf well that day, the waves were too high and there were 20 knot winds. The previous day, though, we surfed Publics. Not as far to paddle out and the waves were our normal, baby, 1-2 footers. I caught the wave of my life, must have lasted nearly 45 seconds! Surfed with a sea turtle up on the North Shore at Turtle Bay. The water was so clear. We could see the reef below us. Feeling the reef below me when I fell from my board, however, was sobering. Booties necessary, and I had to be really aware of where I was falling. We went out at high tide only, to give us more space between the surface and the sharp reef. The water was so warm -- which wasn't the big plus I thought it was going to be, but it was still amazing. I realized that I like the cold water: it's refreshing and a source of self-regulation. The warm water was lovely, but I'm a pasty white lady: I needed to wear long pants and a long sleeve rash guard so I didn't get a sunburn, so the warm water was not as big of a bonus as I thought it would be. Hawai'i sun is intense. I've been to the Aloha State several times, but the view of Diamond Head and Waikiki Beach was much better from a surfboard. I was so glad to go on a surf trip with my surf sisters. It's where surfing was born. A great place to say aloha.

The beautiful blue water of Publics surf break on Waikiki Beach.

Aloha is one of my favorite words, meaning hello and goodbye and love at the same time. It embodies the spirit of connection among people, a recognition that we are interdependent. According to a popular local tourism company, "Together, aloha translates to "the presence of breath" or "breath of life." This interpretation reflects the Hawaiian belief that life is sacred and interconnected, a concept that shapes the islands' culture and values." This idea has obvious overlap with Buddhist ideas. Respect, connection, compassion, generosity, kindness -- they are all embodied in the aloha spirit.

There is an actual law of aloha in Hawai'i. It reads:

“Aloha Spirit”. (a) “Aloha Spirit” is the coordination of mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self. Each person must think and emote good feelings to others. In the contemplation and presence of the life force, “Aloha“, the following unuhi laulā loa may be used:

“Akahai“, meaning kindness to be expressed with tenderness;

“Lōkahi“, meaning unity, to be expressed with harmony;

“ʻOluʻolu” meaning agreeable, to be expressed with pleasantness;

“Haʻahaʻa“, meaning humility, to be expressed with modesty;

“Ahonui“, meaning patience, to be expressed with perseverance.

These are traits of character that express the charm, warmth and sincerity of Hawaii’s people. It was the working philosophy of native Hawaiians and was presented as a gift to the people of Hawaiʻi. ”Aloha” is more than a word of greeting or farewell or a salutation. ”Aloha” means mutual regard and affection and extends warmth in caring with no obligation in return. “Aloha” is the essence of relationships in which each person is important to every other person for collective existence. ”Aloha” means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable."

I had so many experiences on this beautiful surf trip to Oahu that showed me this aloha spirit. On a hike to the Makapu'u Lighthouse, we met a beautiful couple who were in their 80s, with whom we shared genuine and loving conversation, mutual interests and curiosity, and delight in experiencing nature with each other. We've already shared photos via email. Such a beautiful exchange between strangers. I also met a very engaging tourist from Germany who lives in Singapore and was vacationing in Hawai'i. Such an interesting life! We had a delightful conversation at a dinner party, sharing life stories and opinions about politics and religion, the kind of deep conversation about real things I so value on an intellectual and heart level.

One of the surf instructors at Pops was an actual former Buddhist monk who spent time at a monastery in Japan. We had an AMAZING conversation! I was so excited to speak with him and ask about his experience, why he left, and how he is finding life now on the "outside." It was wonderful! And we went to the North Shore to meet our old surf instructor from the Endless Summer surf camp we did a couple of years ago, Ethan. Ethan is living his best life as a surf instructor at Turtle Bay these days. He lives across the street from a beautiful surf break, is happy to do lessons, and has met a whole new group of people who share his love for the outdoors. It was great to see him so happy!

I had these lovely experiences with people who were either total or almost strangers. Deeply satisfying connections with new people, showing care and respect and interest in them, and receiving it back naturally and spontaneously. Perhaps not quite an interdependence, but definitely inter-interest and respect and joy. Aloha. Many beautiful hellos.

Notably, I felt none of this with my surf sisters who I was ostensibly traveling with. There were some fun moments. Definitely moments of kindness and attempts at inclusion for group events. I definitely saw a group of the others having a deep sense of conformity with each other, if not unity -- I witnessed togetherness among them, but I was not a part of it. So, my overwhelming feeling after this trip is there is just no real connection any more. I caught up with a couple of people, asking about their lives, yet no one really asked me about my life. The mutuality was absent. The ability to or interest in discussing ideas or events beyond a surface level was absent. There was not a sense of unity between me and the others, but a sense of parallel or associate play: two groups in the same place at the same time doing the same thing, but little real interaction. Perhaps the lack was more noticeable in contrast to the beautiful hellos with strangers? Perhaps I am seeing more clearly now from a different place -- a place of wholeness -- so I am interpreting these relationships differently. This trip was an important culminating activity of Sisterhood: I can now say a clean goodbye to this group. A different aloha. There is just nothing there for me.

It occurs to me that I have rules for my sangha now. From this place of deep care for myself, including myself in the circle of compassion, embodying the aloha spirit, I am recognizing relationships that don't work anymore. There is no animosity toward my surf sisters -- I still love them and think they are amazing, strong, and beautiful women. I simply feel no connection with them. At one time, they helped me enormously, so I have great affection for them as a group. But the separation of a subchat and other life events that have prevented me from connecting with them have had an effect: I'm simply not a part of things any more. Part of my feeling more real and whole these days means I am no longer "making it work" with relationships that don't work.

Dr. Pria writes, "What I’ve come to believe as a trauma therapist is that when the original wound is relational, the corrective experience must be relational too. You cannot resource your way around it or use a protocol to get through it. The client’s nervous system learned, early and thoroughly, that other people are a source of threat and disappointment. What changes that learning is the repeated, lived experience of a different kind of relationship, with you, over time." Initially, Sisterhood was incredibly healing; lately, it's been quite harmful and disregulating. So, I'm working on those different kinds of relationships. What will they look like? If Sisterhood with all its problems got me this far, then what else can happen when I am exercising more choice over who I spend time with? What does it mean to have relationships that work for me? So far, I have only three rules, all attempting to be loving to myself, so I might be more loving to others, including myself in the aloha spirit.

First, relationships have to be mutual. That couple on the trail to the lighthouse? There was an instant, joyful connection. It started with a bird -- a crested cardinal! I saw this bird on the side of the trail and couldn't identify it; saw a man with a good camera and thought, "OH! They are birders! They'll know!" And I asked if they knew what the bird was. From there, we all showed interest in each other. What are you doing in Hawai'i? What do you do for a living? The questions came easily and the conversation lasted for most of the 90-minute hike up the trail. Life stories and experiences, history, culture, and a love for nature and Hawai'i herself. Easy and mutual. I love people who are interesting and interested. I'm no longer reaching out to people who do not reach back. There has to be effort in both directions -- joyful effort, without obligation. This is not transactional, but expansive and joyful. If not, then I let it go. If people wander back in, then terrific. But I'm not the one putting in all of the effort anymore.

Second, relationships have to embody that interdependence with a thoughtfulness, kindness, or consideration that is tender, accepting, and loving most of the time. Not perfectly. Not always. Plenty of room for people to be human and fuck up. However, there needs to be a sensitivity to each other, keeping each other in mind when we speak and act. In that conversation with the German tourist, we talked about the differences between Catholicism and Buddhism. There was a carefulness with each other in that conversation; a sensitivity to differences and that these were deeply held beliefs. There was respect. Neither one of us held back our true opinions, but they were shared with a deep respect for the other's beliefs. It was fun to do that, to engage on this deep level! If people cannot go deep, then I'm just not going to be able to sustain much interest for long. I like to go deep. So, only people who can swim in the deep end are going to be interesting to me. Everyone is welcome, but those not able to swim with me will not likely last. The law of aloha says that aloha, "... means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable." You cannot have that sensitivity without asking about each other lives and what's important, without a loving engagement on a deep level. I am no longer denying this about myself anymore, making myself smaller to fit another's capacity.

Third, there has to be honesty. As much as is possible for each person given our individual blind spots, there has to be a grounding in shared reality and honesty about it. I remember living in Texas and not having universal consensus around whether or not climate change is a real thing. I can't work with that. How do you problem solve when half the problem solvers don't think there's a problem (probably because they created the problem)? It's exceptionally difficult to have conversations with people on the opposite side of the political aisle when we do not have a shared set of facts. We need a shared reality to establish epistemic trust. No pretending. As little denial as we can stand.

Sisterhood isn't sisterhood, does not embody the aloha spirit, if there's a smaller clique within the group. That's a massive, gaping hole in the idea of sisterhood. You can't call it sisterhood if you create a division within it, if you leave people out, or if you think you're better than the others. You can't call it sisterhood if there isn't unity, and the denial of division doesn't make for togetherness. It might make me a little bit of a jerk for bringing it up; people really don't like it when you call them out on stuff. But this is where I'm at now. I'm no longer denying my own feelings to "make it work" for other people. These are my values. Let's stay centered in reality, which is a new stance for me. Aloha means "the coordination of mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self." My mind and heart are aligned. I am no longer denying my Self for the sake of others' comfort.

Growing up, I had parents that were called "parents" who I "loved" who "loved" me -- but it wasn't a definition of parents or love that I have come to know, now, being healthier. I want people to meet me in a shared reality. Dr. Pria writes, "A hundred small moments of not being met can shape a person’s sense of safety, worth, and belonging more deeply than a single catastrophic one." Trusting people means we agree on basic definitions of reality. Honesty. We acknowledge what is happening for real and work with it. But if people don't think what they are doing is a problem when someone is telling them it's a problem, I can't work with that. There is an absence of care. Climate change is real.

Mutuality, thoughtfulness, honesty. So far, I like my rules for sangha. Coming to terms with the Sisterhood changes, releasing the denial, seeing the current reality, has been a long process. I have hung on wanting it to be what it was initially and it hasn't been what it was in years. So, I have finally arrived at a clean goodbye. They did their best and so did I. No one is to blame for this disintegration. Everyone acted according to their best interests, and now I am joining them in that effort. I am making decisions in my own best interests. Which means we are no longer a good fit. I don't hate them -- quite the opposite. I just can't do this anymore. Sometimes, people get to know each other and find that values are not shared, so a parting needs to take place for the benefit of one or both people. Sometimes, life just gets in the way and natural partings occur. I will continue to surf, continue to enjoy Mother Ocean, continue to joyfully engage with those surfing around me. I can love my sisters from a distance. Appreciate the gifts they have given. And no longer set aside time or space for them in my life. If we bump into each other on the waves, then lovely! I'll be glad to see them.

As Jack Kornfield wrote, "But perhaps nothing had gone wrong. Everything in nature opens and closes. The lungs expand and release. The heart beats. The seasons turn, the tides come in and go out with the phases of the moon. The whole universe is breathing, and we are part of that breathing. Yet we often imagine that the purpose of spiritual life is to arrive at some beautiful state and stay there forever. Life doesn’t work that way. There is joy and sorrow, gain and loss, praise and blame. The invitation is not to hold on to the inhale. The invitation is to learn how to love the exhale too....It turns out that the freedom we seek is not freedom from being human, it’s the freedom to meet our humanity with graciousness, wisdom, tenderness, and love." Aloha.

I will always appreciate this period of time. I will always love these people. I am filled with gratitude for this experience -- the joyful beginning as well as the challenging end. This has been a huge period of expansion and growth. Wow. I am amazed by all I have learned -- in many ways, I am a new person, more solid and grounded while able to flow on top of wild and churning waves. These women gave me this gift. I am now a surfer, at one with the larger community of the sea, no longer excluding myself from the ecosystem. It's pretty cool. Aloha means, "...each person is important to every other person for collective existence." Buddhists would call it dependent origination or interbeing. I have begun to feel just as important as everyone else; no longer invisible, longing to be seen. I am real. I am a full participant.

Now I move into a different period of time. A contraction, a closing, a den-dwelling place of solitude and repair, a cocoon in which only safe people are allowed, a time of receiving, reading, writing, of caring for my Self in an isolation of my choosing. Cloister. In a few months, I will travel to Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico, to serve in their Contemplative Residency. Three months of concentrated practice in community. Lots of silence. Learning. Nature. A group of people who share this value with me. I can't wait.

The best thing right now is that I'm looking forward to this -- I'm looking forward to what's next, whatever it is. I'm not sitting in despair or resentment waiting for something bad to happen, wondering what fresh hell is waiting for me next, hiding out in fear or cynicism exhausted by a threatening world. Working with what began as troubling anger at work and a desire to play in the ocean has completely transformed me. I feel full. Powerful. Strong. I have so much love for everything. Gratitude for the blue water and the spikey reef, the burning sun and my fun rashguard, the beautiful strangers and my disconnected surf sisters. I take BTG and Surf Sensei with me. I will still visit Mother Ocean and surf her generous waves. And I'm actually looking forward to seeing who and what appears next out of the depths. Whatever conditions arise, I am confident I can surf them. Aloha.

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Surfing Publics, a surf break along Waikiki Beach in Honolulu, Hawai'i, July 2026