Board Meeting: Quarterly Report

It's been roughly three months since I started surfing. Time to assess my performance, losses, and assets. LOL. A quarterly report of life on the waves!

After three months, I finally have the right board for me. It's massive. An aircraft carrier. I named it The USS Nimitz, The Admiral. It's a Stormblade SSR, coming in at 9 feet long, 25.5 inches wide, and 4 inches thick. Planes may not be able to land on this thing, but I could definitely bring a nice continental breakfast service to the line up on it. It's so much easier to paddle. I got up on my knees on it on my own yesterday, but today I struggled a lot to do anything. I think I need a lesson to help me find the sweet spot on this one. Our impromptu, volunteer surfing tutor/angel at Blackies, Waylon, said I need to scoot way back on this thing, and something about the bottom of it ("big flat space") makes it tricky to find balance. I do know this one leaks a puddle of water after I put it up in my dining room. I wonder if it gets water logged? Will I ever be happy with a board? Probably not. But The Admiral is good for now.

After three months, I can finally catch waves on my own, but not often. I realize more and more deeply each week that WAVE SELECTION IS HARD. LOL. It's actually key to the whole thing. I'm not just looking for any wave now -- nooo. We have to be at the right point of the wave -- the middle bit, the highest, pointiest bit. The peak. And longboarders have different goals and starting points than shortboarders. Waylon on his short board could basically arrive at a wave and hop on it without paddling to catch it. I'm not sure how he did that. But I noticed. And noticing is also improvement.

After three months, I do not have a pop up. I do have enormous envy of other people's pop ups. There is currently nothing better than seeing a good strong pop up -- that move when you go from lying down on the board and paddling to match the speed of the wave to upright, both feet sideways in the right spot to maintain balance. I do not have a "pop" up; I have an "old person's groaning when getting out of bed" up, one leg at a time, usually staying on my knees. I thought getting up on my knees was a stage in development, but Waylon told me yesterday, reiterating what the surf instructors at camp said, that it's just a bad habit. Gotta get up on my feet. I'm going to need some core muscles for that, so... working on it!

I've been surfing nearly every weekend since May. Mostly just on Sundays, but lately, Saturdays, too. It's wonderful. It's peaceful. I see dolphins all of the time. I love that I'm not afraid. I have better balance on the board. I can spot waves better and mostly avoid the ones that try to kill me because I'm in the wrong place. The only losses are from my pocketbook. I have purchased:

• three surfboards (two now sold off to afford the Admiral),

• a Sharkbanz ankle bracelet to avoid the stingrays (and sharks?),

• a cheap ass pair of prescription sunglasses so I can finally see out on the water (and the floating strap and a lariat to make sure I don't lose them),

• a surfing hat,

• two wetsuits and wetsuit booties,

• big beach towel to protect the car interior from the wet surfboard,

• gallons of SPF 50 suntan lotion and lip balm, reef safe and zinc-y,

• a waterproof case for my car key,

• a waterproof case for my phone,

• three surf lessons in May and a 5-day surf camp in July, and

• lots and lots of parking at Newport Beach Pier.

And many more things to buy in the future, including a whole vehicle dedicated to surfing in order to accommodate all of the surfing shit I've purchased, and so I don't have to rearrange the car every week to cram a 9 foot surfboard inside it. You've heard of tiny houses? I need a surfing van, tricked out with compartments for everything. I need HGTV to get on this and give me a show.

The most beautiful part of the beginning of this surfing adventure, the biggest asset, is the group of friends I have met. You know when you were young, you had your crew who you could count on to go out on a Friday night? You never really made actual plans ahead of time, but you always knew something would be happening? That is so rare, especially as you age. It's so hard to make new friends as an adult. So I am incredibly grateful for these women! Twelve women in the chat right now: very different life experiences, political positions, addresses, and ages. Moms and not-moms. Wives and single ladies. Our little group chat explodes regularly with joy and encouragement, questions and invitations. I haven't had a regular set of friends that I get together with like this in years. It's not on Friday nights, but Sunday mornings. We've got a Girl Gang! And it's precious and new.

I have moved so many times in my life. The longest I have lived at any single address is nine years. I have cris-crossed the country four times, moving to new cities in new states completely on my own. (Twice, I had a beloved dog with me for friendship and comfort.) As a kid, my family moved twice to entirely new places; once when I was 5 and once again when I was 10. New schools, new friends. There were many other mini-moves; ones in which I stayed in the same state, but moved to a new city or got a new job. I noticed after all of that moving that the first set of friends I have in any location is never the group that lasts. It always takes awhile to meet people who "stick." I'm betting the surfer girls stick.

Because friendships are not something I take for granted, I pay careful attention to them. I have kept a few loving people in my life from every stage of my journey -- or perhaps a better way to say it would be that they have kept me. (Some of you are reading this right now!) Daily life makes it hard to keep in touch in a substantive way, so it's a real two-way effort to maintain contact. Not many can pull it off, and most people who have kept me are people with whom I share a joyful catch up conversation once a year or some ongoing chatter on social media. No matter how much time has passed, I am always happy to talk with these people and the conversation picks up right where it left off. I love these friendships. They buoy me during the in-between times, like when I have moved to a place where I don't really fit in or haven't yet found my place. A saving grace.

There are also people who get willingly and unwillingly lost with every move. I'm reminded of a quote, often attributed to Mark Twain but is actually paraphrased from Clarence Darrow, which goes, "I have never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." Some people I've been delighted to leave. I've felt like, "Phew! Glad to get out of that mess." But most people I miss -- those who just don't have the time to keep in touch. It occurs to me that I've said goodbye to more friends than most people have made in their lifetime. I do a lot of goodbye-ing. Not all of them are neat and tidy. Many of them are quite messy and full of regret. I'm getting better at abiding with the mess, as well as saying goodbye to relationships that no longer serve me, whether I move or not. I'm usually the one keeping the relationship alive, so amazing things happen when I just...let them go.

I'm really good now at choosing the people I call friend. I pay close attention to effort and realize much more quickly if someone is "just not that into me" so not putting in equal effort. It's easier to let people go after all of the moving and goodbye-ing. It's not worth forcing things. I came up with a rule during my time in Dallas, my third major interstate move. I would meet someone new and invite them out to lunch or a walk or something social. Most people say yes when you ask them to do something, and then many cancel later. Most of the time, people act like they really want to get together with you, even if they don't really want to or don't have the time. I've never met anyone who had the grace to say, "I'd love to get lunch, Ann, but I just can't. I just don't have room in my life for this right now." How beautiful would that be? So I've had to read the signs. I will extend three invitations to people. If someone doesn't respond after three invitations, or accepts the invites and cancels, then I let go of trying. It's quite freeing. Never take it personally. Just not the right time or situation.

(For someone like me who is a recovering people-pleaser, this is massive progress. To be so aware of my thoughts that I realize that I'm not 100% responsible for putting in 100% of the effort to maintain a friendship? Massive progress. Not everyone is a good fit initially. And sometimes, even after years of friendship, people don't grow with you in a way that hurts. And it's time to let go. These are not really losses, but gains. My time is my greatest asset. I want to spend it with people I value and who show me that they value me.)

That's what I love about my surfer girl gang: they show up. We continually show up for one another week after week. We have all bailed on one or two days so far, but there are enough of us going that the group continues its momentum. And we are beginning to branch out to other social things, like going to breakfast together after camp the other week and paddle boarding. I can totally see how we might plan excursions with each other in the future -- surfing vacations or day trips. It helps to have this common interest as a constant: a touchstone and a solid jumping off place. My best friendships are those I have made "in the trenches" with people, which usually happens at work. The surfer girls -- we are learning this really challenging thing together and that helps forge friendships as we learn we can count on one another in the waves.

I also pay attention to what people talk about in relationships. At this point in my life, I have little room for people who can't dive into the deep end of the conversational pool. I love people who can talk about hard things, real things, with care and consideration. And this group of women does that. It's the first thing we did the first time we were out in class together in May. We extended ourselves with vulnerability, discussed the difficult and important things in our lives, and have tentatively stepped out of our comfort zones to bring up more challenging topics as the weeks have passed. It's beautiful.

I love that I get to show up as I am and find acceptance. I'm not sure I've ever been so brave and so sure of who I am in order to bring this more mature presence to others. I am sure that in previous iterations of myself there have been times that my full self has been rejected when I've tried to bring it out. So this is no small thing. They say we attract who are. Maybe I'm finally grown up enough, evolved enough as a human being, that I am attracting mature friendships. I hope this is a group who continually grows and develops in ways that allow us all to bring our whole selves and accepts each other. We are off to a lovely start.

I'm feeling really good about this group of women. I haven't felt this comfortable with a group of people this quickly in a long time. I haven't been able to build such a full and rich life in a new place so quickly before. It's been a mighty struggle ever since I left my home base in Chicago. Perhaps that's it - I've finally found my new home. A long struggle in the desert and I finally found a home near the sea. Saltwater never tasted so sweet.